While many are familiar with the trauma responses of fight, flight, and freeze, the concept of “fawn” is gaining attention. This lesser-known response involves appeasing others as a way to cope with perceived threats. Instead of avoiding confrontation or standing still in fear, individuals may attempt to please those they see as threatening, often compromising their own boundaries in the process.
Defining Fawning in Psychological Terms
The term “fawning” was introduced by psychotherapist Pete Walker, who specializes in complex trauma. According to Ingrid Clayton, Ph.D., a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, fawning represents a fourth trauma response alongside the more recognized reactions of fight, flight, and freeze. In her article for Psychology Today, Clayton notes that fawning is particularly prevalent among those who have experienced long-term relational trauma.
Walker defines fawning as “a response to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat,” which often involves mirroring or aligning with the desires of others to avoid conflict and seek safety. This response can lead individuals to neglect their own needs and boundaries, resulting in unhealthy relational dynamics.
Fawning in Romantic Relationships
In romantic contexts, fawning may manifest as excessive people-pleasing, where an individual prioritizes their partner’s happiness over their own well-being. This behavior can escalate into unhealthy situations, where one partner feels obligated to engage in physical intimacy or suppress their own desires for the sake of the other.
For instance, a person might agree to sexual activity despite feeling uncomfortable, driven by a desire to avoid conflict. Similarly, they may continuously invalidate their own feelings, believing that their needs are less important than their partner’s. As Clayton explains, individuals who fawn often find themselves in a cycle of self-neglect, believing that appeasing others will provide them with peace.
Clayton, also the author of the upcoming book FAWNING: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves—And How to Find Our Way Back, illustrates various forms of fawning behavior. These include apologizing to those who have wronged them, ignoring abusive behavior, befriending bullies, and constantly seeking elusive approval from others.
Pathways to Recovery from Fawning
If you recognize these patterns in your own relationships, it is important to understand that you are not alone. The fawning response is often rooted in early experiences that taught individuals to prioritize others’ needs over their own, due to fears of rejection or abandonment.
In relationships marked by toxicity or abuse, this response can be particularly harmful, as it may enable the other person to exploit the individual’s accommodating nature. Conversely, in healthy relationships, a supportive partner will encourage open communication about needs and boundaries, creating a safe space for both individuals.
Recovery from the fawning response involves embracing self-care and prioritizing one’s own needs. This shift may feel daunting, yet it is essential for personal healing. Working with a mental health professional can significantly aid this process.
Additionally, individuals must focus on rebuilding their sense of self-worth. Many who exhibit fawning behavior have spent years catering to others, often losing sight of their own identity. The journey to self-discovery may take time, but it is never too late to reclaim one’s life.
Establishing clear boundaries is also crucial. If saying “no” feels challenging, practicing this skill can help. It may lead to a shift in how one is perceived—moving away from labels like “nice” or “selfless.” Embracing this change is a vital step toward self-empowerment and healthier relationships.
Recognizing and addressing the fawning response can help individuals regain control of their emotional well-being, ultimately leading to more fulfilling connections with others.